Attitude problem?

I have been, most of my life, been accused of...how shall we say it politely...having an authority problem. Meaning, I don't like to be told what to do. Although I am officially now in my mid-forties, this issue remains something that I need to manage. And most of the time, I do. 
Those of you that have worked with me know that I encourage healthy rebellion as part of therapy, because, let's face it, there are a lot of rules that end up needing to be broken if a person is going to heal. Our heads are filled with a lot of rules that were from somebody else's game. They usually end up starting with "You should...", which again, is for me, where my ears close. 
My antidote to this is not making more rules, rather, it is identifying the source of the original rule, its "voice", as it were, and thanking it, and then telling it to get lost. 

Wouldn't it be great if we all had this mom?

The idea of a negative attitude being useful when your head is full of other people's rules and ideas makes sense. That negative attitude remaining present into your adult years, when you are the one that has the right and honestly, the responsibility to make the rules, is where a lot of depression comes from in my opinion. 
So what now? 

Again, those of you who are, or who have, worked with me know that I use myself and my experiences often as examples of what I am trying to explain. Let me do that here. When I was about 12, I was a total rebel who looked a lot like the guy in the image up there. I went to Catholic school at the time, which was a noble and honorable attempt by my parents to provide me with a good education. It backfired in that my parents had also raised me to be an individual and that didn't go over so well with Sister Mary Elizabeth at Sacred Heart elementary school. Or any of the nuns, really. The librarian, Sister Adele, (yes, I am naming names here!) told me one day that I "should learn to stop showing off about how smart I thought I was", and that "real people don't actually talk like that", in reference to my choice of vocabulary words, after I turned in a book report. Apparently I wasn't supposed to have understood it, or been able to articulate my opinion of it, in the manner that I had. Without either one of us realizing it, she planted a seed that grew into a giant weed in my mind that being intelligent and well spoken was somehow a problem, and as a result, I spent many years "dumbing down" to make other people more comfortable with me, or so I thought. 

By the way, I still have that book report, it was on Langston Hughes "Not Without Laughter", and what that book was even doing in the library of Sacred Heart Elementary I have no earthly idea. It was a bit hyperbolic, but not out of bounds for a pretty smart seventh grade kid. Just for the record. 

I believe that this is one of the main goals of therapy. And life.

So if you seem to be grappling with an attitude that is making it difficult to get what you want, or to even figure out what it is that you want, I suggest spending some time listening to your head. Especially to the "shoulds" that your mind serves up to you, and to then spend some time figuring out whose voice it was that first put that rule there. Then if you need to, break it. If you need help, gimme a call. That's what we do in here. 

Sadness, depression, grief, and just being bummed out...

Hello, blog readers. I am picking up with the thought that before we can do something about how we feel, we have to figure out how we feel. And it does help if we have somebody to talk to about the mosh pit inside of our brains in order to do so. Unfortunately, it is really difficult to find that person sometimes, since telling people, especially those that care about us, that we are having a hard time, well...their reactions, while usually not meant to, actually serve to shut us down.

Hmmm, advice. In counseling, I often find myself helping people to understand that old adage about advice, the bit about "wise men don't need it and fools don't heed it"...have you heard that one? I am not a big fan of advice. I almost never give it, and I almost never take it. Basically, giving advice is the opposite of listening, of hearing, and of being able to actually help somebody who is talking to you about their struggles. I also am not too fond of overly encouraging motivational slogans and cliches, because I think they minimize the feelings of the here and now. 

I don't know about you, but this kind of sentiment has me thinking about standing in that stairwell, smoking a cigarette and maybe browsing Facebook on my phone. Or pushing some overachiever type down the stairs. 

OK, that may be a bit inappropriate. But I think you know what I mean. 

Seriously, I am suspect of many "motivators" that assume that you are just lazy, or lack some sort of motivation (that elusive magic power) that everybody else can just pluck out of the air but that you somehow cannot, or make you feel that maybe you are just too dumb to figure out what everybody else already knows. Not a good feeling. 

Rather, I think that pieces of advice (or overly cheerful cliches) are given to make the advice-giver feel better about not being able to actually be present, rather than to actually give clarity to the person who is on the receiving end. Or, because what you are suffering through, they are too, and feeling a nerve hit too close to home puts people in advice-giving mode. Think of most advice as a defense mechanism.  What we are looking for, whether we are aware of it or not, when we seek counsel from somebody, is clarity. Clarity and validation. These are also the goals of therapy. 

So how do we go about deciding how we are feeling when we are not ok? A scale is always helpful, and it should be tailored to you, since after all, you are the source of the feelings, so a generic "How Are You Feeling Today?" type of measure isn't as useful as one tailored to you. This is something I work on often during sessions with my clients, and we start with the basics...what is the happiest or most content you can remember being? That feeling is ten. Conversely, the saddest or most flattened out that you can remember feeling? That is one. Then we work on feelings words to help fill in the middle. Use a thesaurus and look up the word "sad" or "listless" or "happy" or "content" and go from there. I encourage a goal of somewhere between four and seven, more days than not. That is a good place to start. 

So, instead of telling you to take the stairs instead of the elevator, I will leave you with this...

And let's go on. 

Depression...Or, blue is the new black

Depression.

Yes, there, I said it. Depression is a powerful word with many connotations and meanings. There are so many myths and misunderstandings about what depression is, what it means when you feel it, and what to do with it when it comes up in your life, or the life of a loved one. There is certainly permission to toss it around lightly, but there is also a heavy and uncomfortable stigma associated with using it in a serious sense. It is a misunderstood concept and there is a lot of misinformation out there about what depression is, what it isn't, and how to go about accepting or facing it, managing it, or being supportive of someone who seems to be struggling with it. The treacherous thing about all of this is that as many as one in ten people will experience at least one episode of clinically significant depression in their lifetime, and I think that statistic is conservative. I think that most of us will experience depression in our lifetime, whether we call it that or not. 

So I think it is an excellent thing to talk about. 

Let's start by establishing a working definition of depression...

There is being in a bad mood because something bad is going on in your world. This is what is usually referred to as situational depression, or more clinically, adjustment disorder, because "bummed out" isn't acceptable as a diagnosis by insurance companies. 

If the bad thing going on in your world is really significant to you, especially if it involves a loss (could be a person, a situation, a place, anything meaningful to you), then it may fall into the category of grief. Most grief fits under the umbrella of situational depression, but not all situational depression can be defined as grief. 

Are you still with me? 

This is a great way to look at the feelings of depression and grief. 

So, it is only reasonable to assume that most of us will go through periods of depression that are brought on by circumstances. With a label, we can do identify the issue, but no label fits each persons set of feelings, so just use this definition as a point of understanding. 

Sometimes these circumstances are life altering enough to fit into the category of grief. Sometimes not. 

Let me just say right here, that grief is powerful, and it follows no linear process. Most of us, especially if we have endured the loss of a loved one, have been made aware of the stages of grief written about by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and we will get to those in another post shortly. 

Back to situational depression, whether you are feeling it as part of grieving or simply because it is a reaction to your inner or outer environment. Depression can become noticeable as the result of any number of things, but  know it is real and can, especially if it is unexpected, really derail your life as you know it. 

Now, the taboo. Depression is hard to feel, hard to hide, hard to deal with, and sometimes most of all, hard for others to deal with when they (or we) see it in others. This makes it even harder to accept that you, or someone you care about, may, in fact, be depressed. And then how to reach out to others for...support? Assistance? Understanding? Help? 

A lot of the time, if we do choose to share or find ourselves explaining to somebody close because they have noticed a change in our mood or habits, we get a lot of (usually) well meaning advice, which ultimately makes us feel more alienated. I think we have all made that call to a friend or loved one to share (or just vent) about feeling down or sad or overwhelmed and gotten the, "Well, at least you aren't like Uncle Mike, you know his cancer came back and Aunt Jean is having an affair, and..." or some other horrific tale of woe that seems designed to make you feel like an idiot for having a hard time. Usually the intention to make you feel better, to remind you to be grateful that you aren't in somebody else's shoes whose life seems to be worse than yours. It is actually a way for the listener to comfort themselves, because your emotions are making them feel uncomfortable in some way. It can also make us feel that the reason we are depressed is somehow because of something we aren't managing to do, like look on the bright side...right? 

Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong, compassion and gratitude can be helpful tools in combatting the blocks that depression can put in your path. But what matters first is that you are acknowledged, and that although of course things could probably be worse, that this is pretty bad for you, maybe the worst thing that has happened to you, so for you, the fact that someone else might be hurting doesn't really help.  

I always say, I know things could be worse, but for me, this is the worst thing I can imagine going on. And I am the one in it, so it counts. 

Some of the most common symptoms that you may be depressed are:

• Disturbance in your usual sleeping patterns or appetite. Some people can't sleep when they are depressed, and some people sleep too much. The same goes with your appetite. Eating more or less than usual is the issue, and with both sleep and appetite the change depends on what is normal for you. 
• Sad mood, characterized by lack of energy, becoming tearful easily or often, and general gloominess. 
• Lack of motivation. In real terms, not being able to do the things you usually do, or the inability to start new things even if you feel like you want to. 
• Not taking pleasure in things you normally would, or that you know you should be enjoying but just aren't. 

These are just some of the most common signs that your brain and body may be suffering from a bout of depression. Where did it come from? Why is it happening? What do you have to do to get back to normal, to make it stop? Well, this is one of the things that therapy is for. Thousands of people have spent their whole lives studying the phenomenon of depression, and a professional can help you sort through your own situation and begin a plan to let you gat back to what you feel is a better and more natural place to be. 

Have you ever been depressed? Were you grieving? What, if anything, helped you get through it, or are you still there? 

Come on, let's talk about it! There are solutions out there. They start here. 

Feel free to comment and discuss. Thank you for reading. 

ONE STEP

Since you are visiting this page, it would seem as though you are at least considering starting a journey that many times does seem a thousand miles long. Starting the process of change in any part of your life can seem overwhelming. We have all been there. The feelings that bring us to this point are complex and can be uncomfortable. For many, therapy is that first step towards change, and change is a journey that takes time. How much time? We can set  goals that are time specific or we can just check in with each other periodically to see how each of us thinks we are progressing. Either way, the first step has to be taken. And with a good therapist, we take that step together. One step at a time, one session at a time, one goal or issue at a time. If you have been through the process of therapy before, you may already know this. If this is your first time, taking that first step will require a leap of faith. Many before you have taken it and achieved great progress and change, found peace and clarity, and you can do this too. You are ready, since you are reading this, whether you believe it or not. Faith is about believing that things are real even though we may not be able to see or touch them. Starting therapy is an exercise i having faith in yourself, and feeling better is the result.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step. You are taking that step right now by even thinking about getting into counseling. If you can take the step to start counseling, that is yet another step closer.  There is a lingering taboo about going to therapy in our culture, and sometimes that is part of the fear many of us feel about getting into therapy. We wonder what our friends or family will think, or worry that "needing therapy" is a sign of weakness or failure. I prefer to think of it as a radical act of bravery, a decision that speaks volumes about how willing a person is to make positive changes in their lives.  With me, therapy is a mutual, collaborative effort. We both work through things, both putting faith in the other as goals are set and reached through creativity and courage. I promise to show up if you do.  i consistently remind myself that self esteem is about how you feel about yourself, not how others feel about you. I also believe that self esteem comes largely from doing things that are difficult and then being able to say, "There, I did it." There is an African proverb that states, "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together." I think this is a great way to look at the journey of counseling and the role that counseling plays in taking charge of your life. So, take a deep breath and let's get walking.