Sadness, depression, grief, and just being bummed out...

Hello, blog readers. I am picking up with the thought that before we can do something about how we feel, we have to figure out how we feel. And it does help if we have somebody to talk to about the mosh pit inside of our brains in order to do so. Unfortunately, it is really difficult to find that person sometimes, since telling people, especially those that care about us, that we are having a hard time, well...their reactions, while usually not meant to, actually serve to shut us down.

Hmmm, advice. In counseling, I often find myself helping people to understand that old adage about advice, the bit about "wise men don't need it and fools don't heed it"...have you heard that one? I am not a big fan of advice. I almost never give it, and I almost never take it. Basically, giving advice is the opposite of listening, of hearing, and of being able to actually help somebody who is talking to you about their struggles. I also am not too fond of overly encouraging motivational slogans and cliches, because I think they minimize the feelings of the here and now. 

I don't know about you, but this kind of sentiment has me thinking about standing in that stairwell, smoking a cigarette and maybe browsing Facebook on my phone. Or pushing some overachiever type down the stairs. 

OK, that may be a bit inappropriate. But I think you know what I mean. 

Seriously, I am suspect of many "motivators" that assume that you are just lazy, or lack some sort of motivation (that elusive magic power) that everybody else can just pluck out of the air but that you somehow cannot, or make you feel that maybe you are just too dumb to figure out what everybody else already knows. Not a good feeling. 

Rather, I think that pieces of advice (or overly cheerful cliches) are given to make the advice-giver feel better about not being able to actually be present, rather than to actually give clarity to the person who is on the receiving end. Or, because what you are suffering through, they are too, and feeling a nerve hit too close to home puts people in advice-giving mode. Think of most advice as a defense mechanism.  What we are looking for, whether we are aware of it or not, when we seek counsel from somebody, is clarity. Clarity and validation. These are also the goals of therapy. 

So how do we go about deciding how we are feeling when we are not ok? A scale is always helpful, and it should be tailored to you, since after all, you are the source of the feelings, so a generic "How Are You Feeling Today?" type of measure isn't as useful as one tailored to you. This is something I work on often during sessions with my clients, and we start with the basics...what is the happiest or most content you can remember being? That feeling is ten. Conversely, the saddest or most flattened out that you can remember feeling? That is one. Then we work on feelings words to help fill in the middle. Use a thesaurus and look up the word "sad" or "listless" or "happy" or "content" and go from there. I encourage a goal of somewhere between four and seven, more days than not. That is a good place to start. 

So, instead of telling you to take the stairs instead of the elevator, I will leave you with this...

And let's go on. 

Depression...Or, blue is the new black

Depression.

Yes, there, I said it. Depression is a powerful word with many connotations and meanings. There are so many myths and misunderstandings about what depression is, what it means when you feel it, and what to do with it when it comes up in your life, or the life of a loved one. There is certainly permission to toss it around lightly, but there is also a heavy and uncomfortable stigma associated with using it in a serious sense. It is a misunderstood concept and there is a lot of misinformation out there about what depression is, what it isn't, and how to go about accepting or facing it, managing it, or being supportive of someone who seems to be struggling with it. The treacherous thing about all of this is that as many as one in ten people will experience at least one episode of clinically significant depression in their lifetime, and I think that statistic is conservative. I think that most of us will experience depression in our lifetime, whether we call it that or not. 

So I think it is an excellent thing to talk about. 

Let's start by establishing a working definition of depression...

There is being in a bad mood because something bad is going on in your world. This is what is usually referred to as situational depression, or more clinically, adjustment disorder, because "bummed out" isn't acceptable as a diagnosis by insurance companies. 

If the bad thing going on in your world is really significant to you, especially if it involves a loss (could be a person, a situation, a place, anything meaningful to you), then it may fall into the category of grief. Most grief fits under the umbrella of situational depression, but not all situational depression can be defined as grief. 

Are you still with me? 

This is a great way to look at the feelings of depression and grief. 

So, it is only reasonable to assume that most of us will go through periods of depression that are brought on by circumstances. With a label, we can do identify the issue, but no label fits each persons set of feelings, so just use this definition as a point of understanding. 

Sometimes these circumstances are life altering enough to fit into the category of grief. Sometimes not. 

Let me just say right here, that grief is powerful, and it follows no linear process. Most of us, especially if we have endured the loss of a loved one, have been made aware of the stages of grief written about by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and we will get to those in another post shortly. 

Back to situational depression, whether you are feeling it as part of grieving or simply because it is a reaction to your inner or outer environment. Depression can become noticeable as the result of any number of things, but  know it is real and can, especially if it is unexpected, really derail your life as you know it. 

Now, the taboo. Depression is hard to feel, hard to hide, hard to deal with, and sometimes most of all, hard for others to deal with when they (or we) see it in others. This makes it even harder to accept that you, or someone you care about, may, in fact, be depressed. And then how to reach out to others for...support? Assistance? Understanding? Help? 

A lot of the time, if we do choose to share or find ourselves explaining to somebody close because they have noticed a change in our mood or habits, we get a lot of (usually) well meaning advice, which ultimately makes us feel more alienated. I think we have all made that call to a friend or loved one to share (or just vent) about feeling down or sad or overwhelmed and gotten the, "Well, at least you aren't like Uncle Mike, you know his cancer came back and Aunt Jean is having an affair, and..." or some other horrific tale of woe that seems designed to make you feel like an idiot for having a hard time. Usually the intention to make you feel better, to remind you to be grateful that you aren't in somebody else's shoes whose life seems to be worse than yours. It is actually a way for the listener to comfort themselves, because your emotions are making them feel uncomfortable in some way. It can also make us feel that the reason we are depressed is somehow because of something we aren't managing to do, like look on the bright side...right? 

Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong, compassion and gratitude can be helpful tools in combatting the blocks that depression can put in your path. But what matters first is that you are acknowledged, and that although of course things could probably be worse, that this is pretty bad for you, maybe the worst thing that has happened to you, so for you, the fact that someone else might be hurting doesn't really help.  

I always say, I know things could be worse, but for me, this is the worst thing I can imagine going on. And I am the one in it, so it counts. 

Some of the most common symptoms that you may be depressed are:

• Disturbance in your usual sleeping patterns or appetite. Some people can't sleep when they are depressed, and some people sleep too much. The same goes with your appetite. Eating more or less than usual is the issue, and with both sleep and appetite the change depends on what is normal for you. 
• Sad mood, characterized by lack of energy, becoming tearful easily or often, and general gloominess. 
• Lack of motivation. In real terms, not being able to do the things you usually do, or the inability to start new things even if you feel like you want to. 
• Not taking pleasure in things you normally would, or that you know you should be enjoying but just aren't. 

These are just some of the most common signs that your brain and body may be suffering from a bout of depression. Where did it come from? Why is it happening? What do you have to do to get back to normal, to make it stop? Well, this is one of the things that therapy is for. Thousands of people have spent their whole lives studying the phenomenon of depression, and a professional can help you sort through your own situation and begin a plan to let you gat back to what you feel is a better and more natural place to be. 

Have you ever been depressed? Were you grieving? What, if anything, helped you get through it, or are you still there? 

Come on, let's talk about it! There are solutions out there. They start here. 

Feel free to comment and discuss. Thank you for reading.